102 "Models and Mortals"
Directed by: Allison Maclean
Written by: Darren Star
Narration: Last night my friend Miranda got invited to a dinner party by a man she hardly knew. She was the date of Nick Waxler, a fairly successful sports agent who once told her she had nice legs.
Nick: Okay, old movie stars youd have liked to fuck when they were young.
Miranda: Alive or dead?
Nick: It doesnt matter. Ill start, Veronica Lake, the year she made Sullivans Travels• Dave?
Friend: Id have to say, Sophia Loren. Probably because my dad had a thing for her
Friend 2: We wont go there, Montgomery Clift.
Miranda: He was gay.
Friend 3: Marilyn Monroe, before the Kennedys got to her. Honey?
Friend 4: Bing Crosby. I stand by my choice.
Friend 5: Sean Connery. Yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Narration: For the first date, Miranda felt like she was hitting it out of the ballpark.
Friend 1: So, how long have you known Nick?
Miranda: Weve been riding the same elevator line for years and then we had lunch a few weeks ago and then he invited me here to dinner.
Friend 1: Well, we adore him.
Miranda: Hes very smart.
Friend 2: Guess he took our ultimatum seriously.
Friend 1: Deanne
Miranda: What are you talking about?
Narration: They told Miranda that Nick had this thing for models.
Nick: Okay, old movie stars youd have liked to fuck when they were young. Ill start, Veronica Lake, the year she made Sullivans Travels• Dave?
Friend: Id have to go with Sophia Loren. Probably, my dad had a thing for her.
Friend 2: Montgomery Clift.
Friend 3: Marilyn Monroe,
Friend 4: Bing Crosby.
Nick: Yvette?
Yvette: I dont know. Charlie Sheen?
Narration: Theyd come to dinner• push their food around and pout.
Nick: Veronica Lake.
Friend 1: Sophia Loren.
Friend 2: Montgomery Clift.
Friend 3: Marilyn Monroe,
Friend 4: Bing Crosby.
Nick: Marissa?
Nick: She had to make a phone call.
Narration: It got to be a problem. They decided to take action.
Friend 1: Cant you find a woman who can carry on a decent conversation?
Friend 2: Yeah, Nick. And eat without purging.
Nick: what are you saying?
Friend 2: You cant bring around any more of these so-called models.
Friend 1: Its too depressing.
Nick: Okay, okay. l see what I can do.
Friend 1: And he brought you
Friend 2: So obviously not a model.
Friend 1: In a good way!
Miranda: Nick dates models?
Narration: Miranda confronted him, and it didnt take him long to fold.
Nick: Its true. Its true, okay?! Im obsessed.
Miranda: Obsessed with models.
Nick: Correct.
Miranda: So what am I? Your intellectual beard for the evening?
Nick: Dont be pissed, all right? You gotta admit, you met some nice people. You had a good time. Okay?
Carrie: You were on a date with a modelizer and you didnt even know it?
Miranda: If men like Nick are dating models, what chance do ordinary women have? I mean, do you have to be a supermodel to get a date in New York.
Narration: Modelizers are a particular breed. Theyre a step beyond womanizers who will sleep with just about anything in a skirt. Modelizers are obsessed not with women, but with models who in most cities are safely confined to billboards and magazines. But in Manhattan, actually run wild on the streets, turning the city into a virtual Model Country Safari where men can pet the creatures in their natural habitat.
Carrie: As if we didnt have enough problems
Miranda: Theyre stupid and lazy and should be shot on sight.
Samantha: Ive been out with a lot of guys and they say I am as beautiful as a model, but I work for a living. I mean, Im like a model whos taken the high road.
Miranda: The advantages given to models and to beautiful women in general are so unfair, it makes me wanna puke.
Samantha: Sweetheart, you shouldnt say that, you are so cute!
Miranda: Cute doesnt cut it in this town. Whats cute compared to supermodel?
Narration: Theres nothing like raising the subject of models among four single women to spice up an otherwise dull Tuesday night.
Charlotte: They have this distant, sexy look.
Miranda: Thats not sexy, its starvation.
Samantha: Thats starvation in the best restaurants.
Miranda: What I want to know is, when did all the men get together and decide that they would only get it up for giraffes with big breasts?
Charlotte: In some cultures, heavy women with mustaches are considered beautiful.
Samantha: And youre looking at me while youre saying that.
Miranda: We should just admit that we live in a culture that promotes impossible standards of beauty.
Carrie: Except men think theyre possible.
Miranda: Yeah
Charlotte: No matter how good I feel about myself if I see Christy Turlington, I just wanna give up.
Miranda:
I just want to tie her down and force-feed her lard, but thats the difference between you and me.
Carrie: What are you talking about? Look at you two, youre beautiful.
Charlotte: Umm, I hate my thighs.
Miranda: Oh, come on.
Charlotte: I cant even open a magazine without thinking thighs, thighs, thighs.
Miranda: Well, Ill take your thighs and Ill raise you a chin.
Carrie: Ill take your chin and raise you a•ummm.
Samantha: What?
Carrie: Oh, come on.
Samantha: I happen to love the way I look.
Miranda: You should, you paid enough for it.
Samantha: Hey, I resent that. I do not believe in plastic surgery. Well, not yet.
Carrie: I find it fascinating that four beautiful flesh and blood women could be intimidated by some unreal fantasy. I mean, look. Look at this. Is this really intimidating to any of you?
Charlotte: I hate my thighs.
Miranda: Pass the chicken.
Samantha: You know, I have that dress.
Narration: Suddenly, I was interested. If models could cause otherwise rational individuals to crumble in their presence exactly how powerful was beauty?
Model: There are two types of guys that fall for beautiful women. Either theyre slime-balls that are just out to get laid or they fall in love with you instantly. Its pathetic.
Nick: Why fuck the girl in the skirt if you can fuck the girl in the ad for the skirt?
Model: Being beautiful is such a power. You can get whatever you want.
Xandrella: You can get anything. Ive been offered trips to Aspen, weekends in Paris, Christmas in St. Barts.
Brad: A motorcycle, a juicer.
Nick: Its not like models dont have brains. They have them. They just dont need to use them.
AshLeigh: Most guys just think youre dumb, but Im really very literary. I read. Ill sit down and Ill read a whole magazine from cover to cover.
Brad: Some scuba gear• Herb Ritts photo.
Xandrella: A Bulgari necklace, a breast job.
Nick: My friends think that Im shallow. Sometimes I think theyre right. Other times I think, Hey, Im fucking a model.
Barkley: Models are a lot looser than you think. Its way easier to screw a model than a regular girl cause thats what they do all the time. Its how regular people are when theyre on vacation.
Narration: Barkely, a notorious modelizer was one of those SoHo wonders who maintained a fabulous lifestyle despite never having sold a single painting.
Carrie: So youre saying its easy to meet them?
Barkley: No, its not so easy. The trick is, you gotta treat them like theyre regular girls. You gotta be able to roll into a place walk up to the hottest thing there. Otherwise youre finished.
Its kind of like being around dogs. You gotta show no fear.
Carrie: Things? You call them things?
Barkley: Yeah, Well, they are things. Theyre beautiful things and thats what my lifes about. Beauty. Come here. I wanna show you something.
Barkley: This is my real art only I cant really show it to the public. Well, not yet at least. Sit Down.
Barkley: Thats Vannessa, thats Tanya• Elana, Katrina.
Narration: I couldnt believe it. The man had slept with half the perfume ads in Septembers Vogue.
Carrie: Do they, Do they know about this?
Barkley: Maybe, oh look at that one.
Barkley: She does runway now, but I think shes gonna be huge someday.
Narration: I didnt know what to say. There really wasnt anything to say except•
Carrie: Do you have a light?
Barkley: Sure.
Narration: Later that day, I was relieved to discover that at least one eligible bachelor got his kicks off the runway.
Skipper: So I totally dig your friend Miranda.
Carrie: Oh, youre kidding thats great.
Skipper: I think that she is so sexy and smart and• did she tell you that we made out?
Carrie: No•
Skipper: Yeah, it was totally hot.
Carrie: So, why dont you call her, you can call her. Shed love that.
Skipper: I did, like a hundred times. But she totally wont return my phone calls. Did she say anything about me?
Carrie: No.
Skipper: I dont know, maybe shes just busy or• I dont know, am I not cute enough for her?
Carrie: Of course you are, Skipper. Youre adorable.
Skipper: I dont know, find out for me. I wanna see if I still have a chance.
Carrie: Right now? In front of you?
Skipper: Go ahead, I can handle it.
Miranda: Hi, this is Miranda. Please leave me a message.
Carrie: Oh, its her machine.
Skipper: Hey, this is Skipper. Im in the street with Carrie. I just told her how you wont call me back. So, now you have to call me back. You better call me back! No, no, no Im kidding• I m joking. But seriously, I hope you call me back and umm• did I mention this was Skipper?
Carrie: I believe that there is a curse on the head of anybody who tries to fix up their friends.
Narration: Where better to find modelizers in their natural habitat than a fashion show? Luckily, my friend Stanford Blatch had a client in the hottest show in town.
Stanford: The Bone is like the human equivalent of the sable coat. Hes so beautiful that I find that sometimes I have to look away.
Carrie: Do you see him?
Stanford: Right over there.
Carrie: Where?
Stanford: God, look at him. Its like he travels with his own lighting director.
Narration: Derek a.k.a. The Bone was the worlds biggest underwear model and Stanfords most important client as well as the subject of his single-minded obsession.
Derek: Hey, Stanny.
Stanford: Umm, Derek, I would like you to meet a very dear friend, Carrie Bradshaw.
Derek: Hi
Carrie: Nice to meet you.
Stanford: Carrie writes the column, Sex and the City
Derek: Wow, thats great.
Carrie: Oh! Have you read it?
Derek: Oh• no.
Stanford: You know, the other day, Derek and I were walking past his billboard and he told me that hed like me to get a piece of it for his apartment, like maybe his nose. And I said You should get the bulge in your pants. That way when women ask how big you are, you can say, Fourteen feet.
Derek: That would be very funny, wouldnt it?
Carrie: Yeah, yeah.
Stanford: Everybodys talking about you. You are so great! Youre gonna be a star, have I told you that enough times? Youre a star, youre a star!
Carrie: Wed better let you get dressed.
Derek: I am dressed.
Carrie: Oh•
Stanford: Well, well see you after the show.
Derek: Bye.
Carrie: Hey Bye.
Stanford: Can you believe that anyone that beautiful can be that nice? I keep dreaming that someday hes just gonna turn around and say, Stanford, I love you.
Carrie: Is he gay?
Stanford: He denies it. How could anyone that gorgeous be straight?
Samantha: Sweetie, over here?
Narration: Samantha Jones never missed a major fashion show. She was one of the only people I knew who thought that proximity to beauty made her more attractive.
Carrie: Hey sweetie, so hey wait a minute, what happened? You couldnt find seats right on the runway?
Samantha: Oh, you can see all the flaws from this angle.
Barkley: Hey Carrie.
Carrie: Hey, hi Barkley, how are you?
Barkley: You going to the party afterwards?
Carrie: I dont know
Samantha: Of course we are. Hi, Im Samantha.
Barkley: Barkley.
Samantha: Martini straight up or with a twist?
Carrie: Straight up.
Samantha: Really, hes very cute. Youre not dating him, are you?
Carrie: God, no. Hes a total modelizer.
Samantha: Is he dating any one model in particular?
Carrie: Actually, hes sleeping with all of them in general.
Samantha: Only models?
Carrie: Only models.
Narration: Later that night, we all went downtown for a party. I was beginning to float away on a sea of sweet potato puffs with smoked salmon and sour cream when•
It was Mr. Big: major tycoon, major dreamboat, and majorly out of my league.
BIG: I thought I saw you on the runway.
Carrie: Hi.
BIG: I started reading your column after we met.
Carrie: You did?
BIG: Yeah. Cute.
Carrie: Cute?!
BIG: Well• yeah, cute. What are you writing about this week?
Carrie: Well, um. Im working on a story about men who date models. Any thought?
BIG: Only that theyre very lucky. So what have you discovered about these men• who are dating models.
Carrie: Well, Im discovering that some of them treat it as a competitive sport and others I think just need the validation.
BIG: And probably others just have a thing for exceptionally beautiful women.
Carrie: Exactly.
BIG: And theres something wrong with that?
Carrie: No, nothings wrong. I just think it might become a bit monotonous• puff?
BIG: Umm, no thanks.
MAN: Excuse me baby.
BIG: Where do you• where do you write these stories?
Carrie: My cute stories?
BIG: Yeah, maybe• you got an office or anything?
Carrie: No, well about half the time Im at my apartment, and the other half Im over at this coffee shop on 73rd and Madison.
BIG: Oh, Carrie, Id like you to meet Misha.
Carrie: Oh, hi, you were great in the show.
MISHA: Thank you.
Narration: Suddenly, I felt like I was wearing patchouli in a room full of Chanel.
Carrie: Well, it was nice talking to you.
BIG: Oh, see you around sometimes, I hope.
Narration: The truth was, I thought I had come to terms with my looks the year I turned 30 when I realized that I no longer had the energy to be completely superficial.
Samantha: Your friend Barkley, hes really been coming on to me. Do you actually think he believes Im a model?
Carrie: Well, what ever it is, you dont want to go there.
Samantha: Why not?
Carrie: He has this thing for secretly taping his conquests.
Samantha: Really? What a pervert.
Narration: As Samantha began to get ready for her close-up, I felt it was time to call it a night.
Narration: I had never felt so invisible in my entire life.
Carrie: Taxi.
Derek: Carrie.
Carrie: Hey, hi. Did• did Stanford leave?
Derek: Naw, hes in there giving a neck massage to a Versace model. So, where are you going now?
Carrie: Oh, Im going home.
Derek: Can I come?
Carrie: You wanna come home with me?
Derek: Sure, If its quiet. I cant take these crowds.
Carrie: The things you gotta do in the name of research.
Carrie: Shouldnt you be spending the night with some girl from the show?
Derek: No, I never date models. I think theyre stupid.
Narration: I wondered if there wasnt some kind of physics for beauty. Maybe two models repelled. Maybe models could only be attracted to ordinary humans.
Derek: So, I think that its so cool that you write.
Carrie: Thanks
Derek: I wish I could write. Ive got these intense thoughts, but I cant keep in my head long enough to get them down on paper.
Carrie: Well, thats the big trick.
Derek: The truth is, Im totally neurotic. One minute I could be walking down the street, totally cool• and the next minute, Im depressed for no reason. Im totally self-conscious. Like, before I say something, I say it in my head first, so it doesnt come out wrong.
Carrie: Doesnt that seem like a waste of time?
Derek: It only takes a second. And sometimes I get so distracted.
Carrie: Whats distracting you now?
Derek: Your nose.
Carrie: Thanks a lot, I hate my nose.
Derek: Its just that• Its so cute. I hate my nose too, its too big. But I think it depends on my hair.
Carrie: Yeah. I see what you mean.
Derek: So, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
Carrie: Umm, well, I think this might be it. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Derek: Id like to move back to Iowa and have kids and be a cop.
Narration: I felt like I was in my bedroom when I was 16 and I used to hang out with this guy who was really beautiful and my parents thought I was helping him with his Chemistry homework.
Derek: Do you mind if we just lie here? I get so lonely in the city. Sometimes its just nice to lie with someone.
Carrie: Sure. We could do that.
Narration: It was hard to imagine that anyone so beautiful could ever be lonely.
Narration: Meanwhile, somewhere below 14th street, two ordinary Joes were doing their own late-night thing.
CLERK: Anything else, Miss?
Miranda: No, no thats it
CLERK: just cat food?
Miranda: Yes, just cat food.
Skipper: Hey.
Miranda: Oh, Hi Skipper.
Skipper: So like umm, how come you havent been returning any of my calls?
Miranda: Im sorry. Its been a really busy week.
Skipper: I thought we had a connection.
Miranda: Oh• I dont know. Could I get my change?
Skipper: You mean, you get that way with every guy that youre with?
Miranda: No, Its just• dont you wanna go out with a girl your own age?
Skipper: Its got nothing to do with age. I• I think youre luminous!
Miranda: You think Im luminous?
Skipper: Totally
Narration: Miranda couldnt resist the vision of herself reflected in Skippers slightly smudged lenses.
Miranda: All right, lets get out of here.
Skipper: Okay, yeah, let me just pay for my Captain Crunch.
Miranda: Theres cereal at my place.
Narration: And Samantha found the ultimate validation: sex with Barkley.
Samantha: So• where is it?
Barkley: What?
Samantha: The camera.
Barkley: Your friend Carrie tell you about that? Dont worry, I only tape models.
Samantha: I wont mind.
Barkley: Fine. Ill make an exception.
Narration: Samantha demanded nothing less than the same consideration given every other model in town.
Carrie: Hello?
Stanford: Carrie, its Stanford. Do you have any idea what happened to Derek last night?
Carrie: Actually• youll never believe it, but•
Stanford: Yes?
Carrie: Its Stanford.
Derek: Hi Stanford.
Stanford: Derek? Could you put Carrie back on the phone?
Derek: Sure
Carrie: Hello.
Stanford: How could you?
Carrie: I didnt, we just talked.
Stanford: I knew he was gay.
Nick: Its amazing what youll do to be with these models. Ive gotta retire soon. They keep me from getting work done. They make me fuck up my life. Look at me! Im an old man at 34!
Narration: I began to realize that being beautiful is like having a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park, completely unfair and usually bestowed upon those who deserve it least.
BIG: Im not interrupting your work, am I?
Carrie: Hey, what a surprise!
BIG: I cant stay, Im late for a meeting. But Ive been thinking about that article youre writing, about men who date models.
Carrie: Yeah, what about them?
BIG: First of all, well there are so many god damn gorgeous women out there in this city.
Carrie: What an amazing observation.
BIG: But the thing is this. After a while• you just wanna be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?
BIG: Okay, See ya!
Narration: I take that back. Beauty is fleeting, but a rent-controlled apartment overlooking the park is forever.